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I'm going to talk about Charli XCX's remix album Brat and It's Completely Different but Also Still Brat today. Yes, I know I'm late and that brat summer ended two months ago (thank God, I couldn't deal with the unfunny memes anymore), but this is the only topic that interested me enough to sit down in front of my computer and write. I've been meaning to write another post for a long time, but nothing seemed interesting enough to me. I thought about talking about Chappel Roan, but it'd only be a post of me saying "I find her annoying"; then I thought of talking about Sabrina again, or maybe Addison Rae, but I don't have much else to day except "I wish I was and/or dated them."

Since my birthday, in September, I've been a little depressed, and I'm just now starting to feel better. I believe that's the real reason I didn't want to write anything. But can you blame me? The latest Gaga song sucks. This world is hopeless.

Anyway, today I'll be ranking what features served the most in the Brat remix album. Please note this is not a list of my favorite songs, but a list of what artist served the most and did what had to be done. Maybe you'll think "Bianca, do you only do lists?" (did you know my name's Bianca?), and I'll reply "yes, because that's easier and I'm lazy. Blame BuzzFeed."

Let's get to it:

• 15. The 1975/Matty Healy (I Might Say Something Stupid)

This is Brat's most boring song (in my opinion.) If you asked to sing it right now, I wouldn't be able to.

Matty Healy ranks the lowest for two reasons: first of all, he made a boring song into a terribly boring song. I like listening to new albums before going to bed and I almost really did fall asleep when I got to this song. Are all The 1975 songs like this? If so, then I pity their fans. The second reason for my dislike of Matty Healy is that he's an asshole and managed to ruin Charli XCX's friendship with Rina Sawayama (what's Rina been doing? I miss her. Oh, she released a song with Paris Hilton? Oof.)

• 14. The Japanese House (Apple)

I never really liked Apple, nor did I understand why it went viral instead of Von Dutch or Talk, so this remix never would've interested me any way. I've never heard a The Japanese House song, but I did read Crying in H Mart, written by the band's lead singer, and she came across as a really annoying person to me, so she'll also rank low in my list.

• 13. Bon Iver (I Think About It All the Time)

I only know Bon Iver from his feature in Kanye West's Monster (before he went full nuts.) I also don't really like this song; truthfully, I prefer when Charli sings about parties, cocaine, and cheating on her husbands, and not more serious topics. Maybe I'd like this one more if I also thought about maternity, but I have no interest in being a mother. Ask me about this song 15 years from now, maybe I'll change my mind until then.

• 12. Julian Casablancas (Mean Girls)

The truth is, I didn't get Julian Casablancas' verse. Am I stupid?

I also didn't really like the chorus change. The other one's a lot more fun.

• 11. Bladee (Rewind)

I'm a fake hyperpop fan, because I've never heard anything by Bladee. It's not that I don't like his feature, but I prefer the original version. I doubt I'll ever listen to this one again.

• 10. Tinashe (b2b)

I like Tinashe (I love to get on, I love to get 2 on, etc.), but I didn't like that the song was originally about a troubled relationship and it's now about Charli and Tinashe bragging about their accomplishments.

I find the original version a lot stronger, you can feel Charli's angst in not wanting to go back to her boyfriend, but knowing she'll end up doing it anyway. This new version is just one more song about pretty girls talking about how cool it is to be a pretty girl, and both Charli and Tinashe already have better songs about this same topic.

• 09. Shygirl (365)

It saddens me to place Shygirl so low, because I love her and I couldn't wait for her remix of one of my favorite songs in the album, but I just found this version too boring. The fun part about the original is how the beat gets faster and faster until it reaches the completely frenetic breakdown and we don't have that here, not to mention Shygirl's verse is way too unoffensive. Is this the same Shygirl that did BB, or bde?

• 08. Ariana Grande (Sympathy Is A Knife)

We have now reached the "artists who served as hard as Charli" section.

I loved this new version, although I still prefer the original's chorus. The only reason it's not higher is because I hated the lyric "issa knife when you're so pretty, it must be fake." How long is Ariana pretend she didn't get any plastic surgery? She's on her third race.

• 07. Caroline Polacheck (Everything Is Romantic)

I don't even like this song. I'm not romantic and, even if I were, I hate this song's lyrics. They're so pretentious. With that being said, Caroline Polacheck brought the exact energy this remix needed and served what needed to be served.

• 06. BB Trickz (Club Classics)

I didn't know BB Trickz before this remix and I'm glad I now do. She served just as hard as Charli and took advantage of her change to shine. Latina diva.

• 05. Robyn e Yung Lean (360)

I didn't know Yung Lean before this remix either, but Robyn's always serving. She has every right in the world to brag. The two of them are really fun together and I actually like this remix more than the original.

• 04. Billie Eilish (Guess)

I don't like Billie Eilish, but what can I do? The only thing better than queerbaiting is a true lesbian moment. I'd even argue she served more than Charli. I love her voice whispering in your ear and the end when they say "you want to guess if we're serious about this song," because a lot of people really did take the song seriously and accused Billie of being predatory (?).

• 03. Troye Sivan (Talk)

This remix was supposed to be Carly Rae Jepsen's, Troye Sivan! Damn you!!

The only reason I'm not angrier is because the blonde twink served a lot and I understood why Charli would never pick Carly for this remix; she wanted an end of the night, drugs, hedonism vibe that Carly would never bring.

I loved Dua Lipa's special collab. I hope the two girls do an actual collab soon. Considering her last album, Dua is in need of more inspired collaborators.

• 02. Addison Rae (Von Dutch)

Addison Rae is my it girl, my muse, my diva. She's my number two Britney. Her scream here changed my life.

• 01. Lorde (Girl, so confusing)

I won't talk too much about this song because enough has been said, and I don't even like Lorde that much. But I find it beautiful how well Charli and Lorde were able to encapsulate the complexities of female friendships. I hope the next ones to "work it out on the remix" are Sabrina and Olivia Rodrigo.

That's all for today. I hope you enjoyed! Kisses.É isso por hoje.

PS: I forgot to hear Spring Breakers with Kesha, which is why it's not here. Blame Charli, she's the one who released the remix after the album had already dropped. Oops.